February 3, 2003
The Safety Net
From the moment that I told my friend B about my new relationship, he has been telling me that I have to have a 'Safety Net'.
He claims that I shouldn't be so accommodating and shouldn't be so available, that perhaps I should play a bit more hard to get. He advises that I keep my feelings to myself more and not let T see how I feel. According to B, if I hold back my feelings, then I can't be hurt. He says the 'Safety Net' must be firmly in place prior to T breaking my heart, which inevitably he will do, as he is a man and that's what they do.
Some of this that he's saying could be tongue in cheek, as that's his personality. All of what he's said I dismissed moments after it left his mouth and reached my ears. Which is what I do with most of the nonsense that comes from him. However, I still love him and he always makes me laugh.
But now I'm not so sure.
Don't get me wrong, my feelings for T haven't changed, I'm still happy, but I'm concerned.
Have I been too accessible? Have I been too accommodating? Because I have let my feelings be exposed - which is in my nature to do - have I opened myself up to more heartbreak?
I've noticed some changes taking place in the last few months. I'm finding myself slipping back into old patterns.
When I was with the DB, I only cared about what he thought, I only wanted to please him. As I grew up and away from that one-sided relationship, I gained strength and independence. I began to realize that what I wanted was important too.
Lately, I feel like I'm losing that as I'm starting to do the exact same thing with T. I feel like I'm simply following his lead on everything and just want to keep him happy, even at the expense of my own feelings. I give him space, because that's what he likes. I'm a planner and he's not, so unless it's something that needs to be planned in advance, I don't demand to see him or talk to him, rather wait until he wants to see me. I try not to bother him unless there's something important I need to talk to him about. Then I'm finding myself holding back on telling him things, because I don't want to upset either him or the apple cart that we've been riding. And because of that, I'm not asking him for anything which translates to the fact that I'm not making it clear to him what I need from him.
This isn't his fault. He isn't doing anything to promote this and he's certainly not asking for me to do this. Funnily enough, when we first started dating, he even said to me that it isn't always about what he wants, it's about what I want too.
So it's all me.
But how do I break out of the pattern?
Well, if you're the Fizgig, simply with the help of my at home therapist - my touchstone J. She is the person that knows me the best. She is the one that I tell everything too, good, bad and really ugly. She listens to me and offers her insight. She brings me back to earth when I get all wacky.
OK, here's my deal.
I'm going to listen to J's advice and tell him what I want and what I need.
I'm going to stop thinking about how he'll react to something I say and just say it.
I'm going to stop pretending that eventually my issues will fix themselves if I just give them time.
It appears I do have a 'Safety Net', but not the kind B was talking about.
My 'Safety Net' has a name and it's J.
She is the one that catches me when I fall and she's also the one that hoists me back up and teaches me to fix the problems instead of pushing them away. She reminds me that what I want is just as important as what he wants. She gives me the courage to recognize my own flaws and try and change them, because she never stops loving or supporting me.
My 'Safety Net' is simply priceless.
Everyone should be lucky enough to have a 'Net' like that in their lives.
I know I am.
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