June 20, 2003
Oy, those hurting words...
- Words -- so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.
- Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804 - 1864)
I've always wanted to write to inspire, to change, or make people think differently. As I've said, I write for my own selfish reasons. It's therapy and it makes me feel good to read back on portions of my life and see how far I've come. Words come easily to me and I like the control I have editing them as I think.
I've always tried to be good about who and what I write about. I realize that not all people think as I do. Not all are as in tune with sharing their personal stories. I can understand and appreciate that. I respect that as well and would never include anything that I felt was undermining ones personal wishes. I always use anonymity, but of course, those that know me and know themselves obviously know when I'm writing about them. Actually, I've only been asked by one person to never include their name or allude to their existence - which I've respected and haven't done.
It's funny though, as I have actually had people ask me why I HAVEN'T written about them!! Several people have felt slighted as I haven't done an essay on them. To those few...I'm sorry and I promise to write something soon. Better yet, do something stupid or silly and give me a reason!
T actually asked me about 2 months after we started dating why I hadn't written about us. We were out one night and he asked me why I hadn't posted anything. I told him that for the first time ever in my life, I've cared about how the person I was writing about felt, before being concerned with my own feelings. I then told him I wanted him to read what I had written and then if he felt it was ok to post - I would. He read everything and gave me the go ahead - so I posted it. Then months later, during one conversation he basically said I didn't need to ask him anymore. I believe he knows I would never post anything extremely private and only my thoughts and feelings are out there.
Throughout the years of publishing this site, I haven't had too many complaints. Curly once told me he was flattered I wrote about him on my 'fantasy site", even though he knew it wasn't always nice. My touchstone A loves what I've written about her and her sister K. She said she often re-reads it because it gives her happy memories.
Only one negative comes to mind. It was in regards to the essays I've written about my brother. This person took offense to the essays and said my words were hurtful and malicious. I actually agree, and my response is that yes they are, but sometimes the truth is painful. I didn't manufacture anything - this isn't fiction and all I did was write about how I felt about the situation.
However, I will admit I'm getting to a point where I'm giving a lot of thought to what I can and should write about now.
Things are going well in my life and as I've been saying - I've never been happier. But that aside, in the past few months there have been a few problems that I typically would've written about. One of which is a strange and weird falling out with a friend that has troubled me deeply. Normally the old Fizgig would have taken all the anger and frustration and put those thoughts and words to paper, or computer as it is. But I didn't and I haven't and I won't.
I've given a lot of thought to what that means and why I won't write about it in detail. It's not that I'm embarrassed or ashamed of anything I did. As a matter of fact, I've recognized and admitted blame to part of the disagreement. I've apologized and done all that I can do to make amends. And honestly, that's all I can and will do. It's obvious that this friend has decided that our friendship is not worth mending and I'm not going beg. I've come too far in life to plead with someone to want to be my buddy.
The majority of my friendships have been since birth, grammar or high school. Of course, I've started many friendships after that - and luckily those have remained intact.
In my whole life, almost 35 years, this is only the 2nd time I've had a falling out with someone that doesn't appear to be on the road to repair.
But what I've realized by not writing about it is that I can finally appreciate the power of words, whether written or spoken and how hurtful they can be. This has opened my eyes to the fact that not everything in life should be used for display. I've finally realized that some things are better left unsaid. Some things just are what they are and no matter how much you try, they can't be fixed.
So for now, I'll sit and contemplate life, love and friendships as I've always done.
I'll just think before posting.
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