February 7, 2003
My Angels - keeping in contact with dreams....
I believe in God. I believe in heaven. I believe in angels. I believe that when we die, our spirits descend and watch over earth.
Some of my beliefs stem from my Christian upbringing, and some from my own dreams and imagination.
In my perception, God rules heaven and earth with the help of angels.
When my Pops passed away in 1998, a terrible void was created in my life. Even as an adult, his passing wasn't easy. When you lose such an important figure in your life, it's bound to create a sadness that can be overwhelming at times. I will say that time does help the grief. As each day passes, you learn to deal more with the sorrow and try and focus simply on the joy.
As I mentioned, one way that helped me deal with my pops passing is that I often dream about him. Since he's passed, I've probably dreamt about him 100 times. My dreams are always the same, they start off with me somewhere by myself and then suddenly, my pops is with me. They are very simple in nature. We hug hello, and he sits down beside me and we talk. I tell him what's happening in my life and he listens. Sometimes I ask him questions, things I would ask if he were alive. Again as I've mentioned, when my dreams appear to end, I always ask him the same thing - "Are you dead?" He always answers yes, and then he's gone.
One dream was right after I bought my new house. We were having extensive problems with maintenance issues (plumbing, electrical, bad wood and drywall) and I was feeling helpless. I felt like I had no one to turn to, had no idea what to do and was starting to regret my decision to buy the 3-flat. In my dream, I was sitting in my basement, trying to clear a clogged drain. Nothing I was doing was working. Suddenly, my pops was standing beside me. "K, you're doing that wrong, here - try it this way", he said, and then he explained to me how to proceed. I listened to him and it worked. Then I told him about all the problems in the house. He calmly told me to take it one step at a time. He said we did the right thing and that he was proud of us for sticking together and buying a house that we could all share. Then he started to tell me what to do to fix each problem and who to turn to for help. When I woke up, I felt relaxed and less desperate.
The next day, when I was trying to hang something in the crumbling drywall and failing miserably, I thought about the dream and how my pops told me to do it. I tried it doing it the way he described in the dream and it worked.
Last night, he came to me in my dream again. This time was different though, as I am usually always the one who wants to see or talk to him. But this time my doorbell rang and it was him. He came upstairs and said he wanted to talk to me about my new fella. I started to talk and he stopped me. He said he knew everything he needed to know and that all he wanted to tell me was that he was happy for me and he just wanted to offer some advice. He told me that I must always remember that T and I are very different people. Then he told me that I can't control every situation and I have to be patient. Then he said, "Just let it be and I promise you that it's all going to work out in the end, so stop worrying." I started to open my mouth up to speak to him and he hushed me. He said, "K, sometimes you just need to listen. Don't talk, don't respond, just listen. Try and remember that - just listen". Then patted my hand and said he'd be watching and when I needed him, he'd visit again soon. Then I woke up.
His advice is right on the money. In the last week or so, I've been worrying needlessly. I do need to listen more and stop trying to control everything.
I honestly believe that his spirit watches over me and when I'm troubled, he comes to be in my dreams. I realize that critics might say it is simply my subconscious forcing me to dream what I already know, but I disagree.
In real life, I probably would not talk to my dad about my relationship. House problems, yes, share gossip and jokes, definitely. But discussing how I'm feeling about my boyfriend - nope. That typically wouldn't be shared with anyone but my closest touchstones.
But yet, in my dream he talked to me about a problem he knew I was having. I'm sorry, I think it's more than my subconscious talking.
My pops isn't the only one that has passed away that visits me in my dreams. I have dreamt of my Seuss. In my 1st dream, which was right after his funeral, I told him how sorry I was that he died and how sad & scared it made me when I thought about how he was killed. I asked him questions about the event, because I was so worried that he suffered. I also asked about our friendship. I wanted to be sure he he knew how much I cared about him. He told me he knew how I felt, and then told me not to worry, that he was fine. He said it wasn't a big deal, it just happened and now it was over. Then he said he'd see me another time and then he was gone.
While I was on vacation in Cabo this December, I dreamt of him again. I was driving in a car and looked over and he was sitting beside me. I punched him in the arm and said he scared me. He started laughing and said sorry. I told him I wasn't scared that he was there - just that he should've warned me he was coming. Then I yelled and him and told him I'd missed him and why hadn't he visited me sooner. He apologized and said he'd been busy, and then we started talking. He asked about V and his son and if I still liked hanging out with them. We talked about all the stupid stuff going on at work and we laughed about how annoyed I'd been getting. I filled him in on everything and then he said he had to go. I hugged him and told him to visit more often and he promised he would. Then he said to look at the road because suddenly I was driving again, and when I looked over again he was gone. When I woke up, I could smell his cologne. I sat up in bed - in my hotel room - because it was so clear. I wasn't scared, but I know he was there. His presence was all around me.
Again, just like my Pops, I think Seuss knows I still need him in my life. They make their appearances when they know I need them.
If all I can have is my dreams - then I'll take them there until I get to see them again in real life.
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