October 16, 2002

What to say…what to hide…what to do…

Since I’ve begun “hanging out” with this awesome man, I’m plagued by certain doubts.

Because it’s been awhile since I’ve been in a relationship that I actually WANTED to be in, I’m not sure the appropriate way to act.  I’m actually finding myself being cautious about my behavior.  For the first time in a long time, I’m thinking before I’m speaking and I’m weighing consequences of my actions prior to actually doing them. 

Who am I and what have I done with the Fizgig I know?

I’m basically making this small significant change only so that I don’t screw this up with my oftentimes-selfish ways.

I’ve been alone for so long, that thinking about another person’s feelings is new to me.  The last mistake I was in, I wasn’t concerned at all about giving him a bad impression of me, because I pretty much didn’t care that much.  I knew from the beginning that he wasn’t the man for me and that all we were doing was killing time together.  I believe he felt the same way. 

This new man is different.  He started out as a friend and it’s evolved into something more.  Exactly what, I don’t think either of us knows yet, but I care about him.  I care about his feelings, and I care about what he thinks about me.  I don’t want to give him any reason to adjust his feelings because of something stupid I could’ve controlled.

When you’re my age and you’ve been single more than you’ve been with someone, you adopt certain rules and procedures for yourself.  I have a set way of doing things, and at this point, am not sure I can change a lot of them. 

• I grocery shop first thing in the morning, because I’m an early riser and the stores are less crowded. 
• I clean in the middle of the week, because there’s nothing on television that I’m interested in.  Weekends are for fun.
• I organize my clothes and drawers according to the PMS Color Scheme, because I like being able to find things immediately for coordination.
• I like to open all my blinds & curtains, curl up in my leather chair with a book, a blanket and a cup of coffee on a cold Saturday or Sunday. 
• In the summer, I lay outside in my yard from 10 a.m. until 5 p.m.  sunning – every Saturday and Sunday – no exceptions. 
• I make plans with my ‘married with children’ friends whenever they are available, because their time spent with me is precious, and I don’t want to miss it. 
• My pantry is organized like a grocery store shelf, because that’s the way it should be and I don’t need to explain it further. 
• I walk my dogs whenever the mood strikes me and I play and talk to them as if they were human.  
• I spend my money liberally, because I honestly believe you can’t take it with you. 
• I sometimes eat only popcorn for dinner.
• I never wash my car. 
• Dog hair doesn’t bother me. 
• I over-analyze nearly everything. 
• I enjoy spending time with my niece and nephews and plan many events with them. 
• I love to hear live music and see bands on a regular basis and think nothing of paying top dollar to sit somewhere good. 
• I am obsessed with all Sunday HBO shows and people are NOT allowed to talk to me during those hours. 
• I like Hamburger Helper. 
• I watch certain movies over and over and over again. 
• I get my nails, toes and eyebrows done by a professional because I am a princess. 
• I don’t make coffee; I buy Starbuck’s. 
• I have a bra and shoe fetish (current count at 72 and 139 respectively). 
• I love to throw parties and always panic 20 minutes before guests arrive because I’m afraid no one will show.
• I have been known to drink beverages straight from cartons.  
• I cry during beer commercials. 
• I fart occasionally and then congratulate myself on the volume and length of said fart; however they never smell. 
• I sometimes let dishes stay in my sink and sometimes don’t unload my dishwasher for days. 
• I have a website that I use as a personal PUBLIC diary and I’m not embarrassed about that. 
• Laundry is a four-letter word to me, which is why I have over 100 pairs of undies.  That can’t be considered a fetish; it’s simply smart maintenance.
• I don’t believe in guest towels.  All towels should be used all the time.  Same thing for decorative soap.
• I can be selfish and not share my toys with people.  I can also be selfish and not share myself with people when I want to be alone. 
• I will choose a Cub’s game over most anything else. 

So those are my flaws - at least some of them.  He can read this and see what he’s getting himself into and then choose to run away.  Or he can get to know me better and see if they’re not as bad as they seem.  I mean really, I’m sure he has a list of quirks too.

Either way, it’s me and as mentioned before - I’m not really sure I can change. 

What I’m really hoping is that his list isn’t as long and that perhaps it’ll mesh somewhat with mine. 

I also hope he doesn’t have an undies, bra or shoe fetish and if he does, it’s for his partners things and not for him to wear.

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