October 22, 2002
The space between...
We've been upgraded. Over the weekend we've moved from the status of "Hanging Out" to that of "Dating".
Even though we've turned that corner, I seem very concerned that he still be given his needed amount of space. I don't want to crowd him or be too pushy. I want him to take this as slow as he needs to and I want him to let me do the same.
This is very new to both of us because neither of us are the kind of people that drift in and out of relationships.
We're having fun, first and foremost, and I want to keep it that way. I don't want him to think of seeing me as a drag. I want him to look forward to spending time with me, rather than "Oh, I've got to see her again today".
As mentioned - it's obvious I'm smitten. But I'm also scared. Because being smitten opens up a new can of worms. Suddenly your heart is open to destruction. Suddenly your emotions are on display. I can't hide how I feel, nor will I pretend and play hard to get - it's just not my style.
My friend N, who saw us 'together' for the first time this past Saturday on our annual Trolley ride, said there was something different about me. He said it was a sparkle in my eyes that he'd never seen.
I'm letting things happen as they happen, and that's rather odd to a control freak like me.
If he calls and wants to see me - cool. I'm all over that. If he doesn't call and I don't see him, I'll deal with it. I'm learning each day that this time it is different, because he's my friend. I don't have to talk to him everyday. I don't need to see him all the time. We have to take each occurrence as they come and simply play each one out accordingly.
We've got to take our time with this because we can't screw this up because of something stupid. We can't force anything - it just has to keep unfolding. Besides, he's not just some random guy I could throw away if I decide it's not right.
Because we're in the 'brand new stage' - I want to find out everything about him. I need facts. I need stories. Even though I've known him for years, I don't 'KNOW" him and I want to know him.
So far the time we've spent together has been perfect for me. We each do our own thing and we're not crowding each other. I don't need to know what he's doing every second of the day and he's never indicated that he concerned about my activities. When I feel like it - I e-mail him and say hi. He responds when he's got the chance and he calls on occasion. We've even made plans for several weeks in advance.
I respect the fact that he has had a life for many years before he knew me and I'm not about to infringe on that. He has to continue with his ways. As long as he keeps finding a bit of time for me - I'm happy.
I believe he feels the same way about me. He knows I'm independent and rather set in my ways. He knows I have my own ideas and opinions on matters and I can be stubborn. What's nice is that so can he.
I don't want to change him. I like him exactly as he is.
I smile when I think about him. I laugh when I read his e-mails. I love when he touches my leg or holds my hand.
One day at a time.
Just keep repeating....
One day at a time.