July 3, 2003
The panic of being "Quite" in Love
How do you know when you're in love? How do you describe the feeling of completeness? Is it normal to smile all the time - and is that a telltale sign? Does every single kiss feel like the first time? Is it love when we're sitting and his fingertips lightly touch my leg or arm, and I have tingles that run through my body? When we're laying on the couch and he runs his hand across the back of my neck and lifts my hair up, is it normal to still get shivers and goosebumps after 10 months?
When am I supposed to start getting bored with him? When will his snoring start to bother me? When will I not rush to grab the phone in hopes that it's him calling?
It appears that I have gone from not quite in love yet...to well, QUITE in love.
As I've mentioned over and over and over again, this is the most wonderful man I've ever known. The list is countless and endless for how amazing he is. The list is countless and endless for how many sweet, incredible things he does for me. The list is countless and endless for how happy he makes me. I actually said to a friend the other day that I'm so happy and cheesy I almost make myself want to vomit.
Every encounter we have seems to make me love him more and more. I love our times out and I love our quiet time in. I have found a man I want to sleep beside every night and wake up next to each morning and surprisingly for me, it isn't just about sex. I found a man that makes me want to be a better person.
Then the panic can hit...How do you know it's going to last? How do you steady yourself for the terror of imagining that you'll do something stupid to end it? How do you keep yourself from visualizing him simply getting tired of you and leaving you? The scariest part of it all is that I'm not sure what I'll do if he doesn't end up loving me back.
I realize that my feelings for him are probably much stronger than his are for me. I know he cares about me and he has fun with me and I know he's happy. But what if it isn't enough? What if it turns out that I'm not the princess in his dreams? What if I'm simply his "have fun now" girl and he pictures his future very differently?
After the DB, I went through stupid, silly men. Men that would never be a serious contender for anything other than a few laughs or fun. I was so completed hurt by the DB, that I turned myself off emotionally. I figured if I only went out with men that were asses, as long as I knew that going in - I wouldn't get hurt. So I went through the motions of dating, but I never, ever opened myself up completely. I was terrified of being that heartbroken ever again. I looked for love and of course, I wanted it terribly, but I wasn't willing to pay the price to get it.
Well take a look at me now. I've gone from being emotionally closed for 7 years to a virtual open friggin wound - just waiting for an infection to hit. AND, if I look at it realistically - I did it in week #4 with T! Hello - Who am I??
Why is he different? What made me trust him? How & why is he the one that made my heart open?
I think I ask myself so many questions because I need to understand the emotional pull it has on me. I've only felt that pull one other time and when it ended, it nearly destroyed my belief in love and happiness.
Of course, I'm a lot older and wiser now and we're talking about two very different, actually extremely - different men and relationships.
I've been good in this. I've never pressured him once. I've never asked him to be more or give more than he was ready to give. I never demand or request declarations of his feelings for me. And to be honest, hard as it is sometimes, I curb my own tremendously, because I realize he's not ready yet.
I have changed so much to accommodate myself to the workings of this relationship, that I'm often shocked at how different I've become. Believe me, that not a bad thing at all, as I think I've actually changed for the better.
So here I am - almost 35 years old and QUITE in love. I'm also QUITE scared, nervous, anxious and concerned.
But you know what? I'm going to try and not worry so much. I'm going to continue to go with the flow and take it as it comes. I'm going to squelch the fears as much as possible and continue to move forward. I'm going to think positively and not suppress my dreams. Of course, I'll keep them in check until he's ready to hear them, but they'll still be there!
And I suppose if it turns out that he doesn't end up loving me, I'll survive. I'll forge ahead with life and make the best of it.
But seriously the ladies better look out, because if that happens I'm switching sides. I'll be finished with men forever and it'll be time to let the fairer sex take a turn at breaking my heart.
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