December 2002

The incredible art of being a ‘needy’ freak…

I’ve been on vacation for 5 days so far.  I’ve been neurotic for 1 day.  Yea, 2 more to go…

My problem?  I’m thinking about my fella.

I can’t stop wondering about what he’s doing, what he’s thinking, how’s he’s feeling.

I’m vulnerable because of the distance.  I’m 3000 miles away and the distance is closing in on me.  I’m in a different world here – where the majority of people I see are couples, walking hand in hand, smooching under the moonlight.  I don’t have that.  He’s not with me and I’m lonely.

This was a girls only vacation – which is what I both wanted and needed.  Besides, it was too soon into our relationship and too late into the pre-planned trip for me to ask him to come along.   However, I will say that almost everyday I thought about how it would’ve been had he been with me.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’ve spent the entire week mooning about him or anything, but he is on my mind a lot. 

I’ve thought about our relationship, where we stand now and perhaps where I’d like to see it going in the future.  I’ve thought about the good, the bad and the ugly.  Luckily, almost all has been good, and the smallest, teeny tiny bit ‘bad’ (small annoyances really) doesn’t faze me.  And thank goodness, there hasn’t been an ugly. 

I got an e-mail Wednesday morning from him, that was cute, funny, very much like him, but it didn’t say the one thing that I wanted it to say, that I needed it to say.  I needed him to say that he missed me.

I know the differences between men and women.  I know that there are tremendous variations between how we approach situations.  Most women, me in particular, say exactly what we think, exactly what we mean, the moment we feel it.

I miss him.  I’m not conflicted in any way about saying that. I happily shout it because it’s true. 

My friend D and I were talking a few weeks back.  D is a happily married man with a beautiful wife and an adorable daughter.  We talked about the fact that no matter how happy a guy is – deep down he’s still a guy and therefore requires a certain amount of space.  They also don’t need to tell their wife, girlfriend, or any person for that matter, how they feel all the time.  They’re quite happy just letting their actions be more than words.

I fully understand that and I support that as well.  I give him all the space he needs.  I try not to smother him.  I try not to demand too much of him.  But sometimes, I need things to. 

I guess I just want him to miss me and I want him to say it to me.  I need to hear it.  Maybe it’s selfish, maybe it’s childish, but I need it.

So I think that actually my needs are simple.  Occasionally, I need words. 

Post-Script....Sunday, December 22nd 

He missed me.  He said it. 

Of course, I beat it out of him.  But he still said it. 

He really does give me what I need!  

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