December 4, 2002            11:50 p.m.

Blissfully Happy...

For the first time in many, many years - I am blissfully happy.  Part of the reason?  My new fella. 

Me thinks I've fallen hard for this man and although it still freaks me out a bit - I can't help but feel good about it. 

He's just left after a night 'in'.  He came over for dinner and we simply hung out.  It was one of those nights that was no big deal, yet it just worked fabulously. 

I like learning more about him during each one of our encounters. I like cooking for him.  I like laying on the couch with him.  I like the fact that my dogs now get as excited to see him, as they are when they see me [especially Modine - I believe it's the whole 'Alpha Male' bonding thing!].  I like talking to him about mundane things. I like hearing his opinion on things that are bothering me. I like being part of a couple and making decisions together about what our plans are going to be. I like the way we laugh together over something like spilled beer on his head.  

But mostly, I simply like the way we fit together. 

I've only been in love once in my life.  I was young, it ended badly and I was terrified of trying again. I'd convinced myself that I'd never find it again so I figured why bother even attempting. 

Well, as mentioned previously, it appears I'm trying to find it again.  I'm putting my heart out there and for many, many reasons - T doesn't make me scared. 

However, I can say with a certainty that how I feel about T is incredibly different from my last relationship. 

With the DB, I was always a bundle of tied up nerves, always anxious about how he felt about me and how I felt about him.  Looking back on it now, I realize that I never really relaxed the entire time I was with him. I was always on edge, and terribly insecure.  I don't know why, but I always had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he'd do something to hurt me.  And then of course, he did.  Again, thinking back, and although I don't regret even a single second I spent with the DB, our relationship was a constant source of ups and downs, pain and fun.  

I have a comfort level with T that I never had with the DB. 

I connect with T more. 

His touch gives me both tingles and smiles days later when I think about them.  

I want him more and he makes me feel and want things I've never experienced.  I now understand that there is a deeper level of intimacy that's more important than simply sex. 

I'm never nervous or anxious when I'm with him. I'm just simply with him. It seems as though I have all the 'good feelings' I once had with the DB, and none of the bad ones. Besides that, I have never, not even once, felt that T will hurt me and have never, not even once, not trusted him. 

I guess so far with T - it's just more, more, more. 

More is good.  More is VERY GOOD!. 

When he came over tonight, I had just arrived home from a workout with A. I was sweaty and dressed in black leggings and a pink tee shirt with no makeup and my hair in a pony.  I had my heavy duty sports bra on and my "Bridgett Jones Granny Tummy-Pulling-in Panties" on.  When my mom saw me - she asked when I'd be changing for my date. 

"Changing?", I replied as a question. "He's cool with me.  He's seen me look good and he's seen me look bad and he's still hanging around.  I'm not changing. Besides, I have to cook for him.  I don't have time". 

We spent the last two weekends at weddings and he's seen me look good.  He knows I clean up well. He knows I was recently voted 'Best Dress and Hottest Shoes' [gorgeous red velvet knee length wraparound dress with red stiletto open-toed mules].   

Last week when he came over for another dinner in, I had a fever and was coughing and sneezing.  He simply laid on the couch with me and we watched NYPD Blue.  

Comfort - It's friggin amazing. 

Because I leave for my yearly jaunt to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico in 8 days, earlier tonight I told him that since I wasn't going to be able to see him for 7 whole days - I needed to get in all my kisses now.  He just laughed at me. He laughed, but I'm serious.  7 days without seeing him? Yikes. 

We're at the almost 4 month spot and although we haven't yet professed an undying love for each other, I'm not worried. I know exactly how I feel and it can be easily and safely be summed up as blissfully happy.  I'm fairly certain he's on the same page.  And that's all I need for now. 

Besides, according to all the rule books, the girl isn't supposed to say how she feels out loud first, as that would scare the boy as well as give him the upper hand.  I don't necessarily agree with that, but believe me, he already has enough 'upper hand' with me.  

So here I sit at almost midnight because I'm too happy to sleep.  Don't get me wrong, I'm tired and I have an early day tomorrow - yet I can't seem to stop my head from spinning.  

And again it seems, I've got him to blame. 

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