February 16, 2003
Words.... Needing them, wanting them, and sadly, suppressing them...
Friday morning when I made my usual daily stop for my 24 oz coffee at the White Hen on Harlem near North Ave, B & J {the owners} told me that I'd just missed the most exciting thing. It seems that another regular - (there are MANY of us that can't live without our coffee)- was exiting her car when she noticed her boyfriend standing in front the store, roses in one hand and a small box in the other. Right there, in front of MY White Hen, he declared his love for her and asked her to be his wife. She said yes and then he went inside with her and bought her coffee.
Agghhh, "Love - White Hen Style". A ring and a 24 oz before work - what more could a girl want?
Anyhoo, Friday was Valentine's Day and it was the first Hallmark Holiday spent with my fella and he did good. I got flowers at work (of course with daisy's - as he seems to always remember they're my favorite!), a card and an Elvis greatest hits CD. We had a dinner in and then headed out to OD's for a nightcap. All in all, I'd have to say it was a good day for me. It was simple. Simple and nice, well that is - except for the fire.
On Saturday, while out with some friends, the conversation turned to men buying cards. I commented that on Thursday I noticed a flurry of men reading and then rejecting cards one by one. My friend D, a 40-something man in a committed relationship said, "Sure, that makes sense. It can't be too STRONG, but at the same time it has to be STRONG enough".
What? Huh? It's a friggin card!!
So all that got me thinking about words, both written and spoken.
During the course of the last two weeks, I've sent T about 8 cards - 5 of which were funny and 3 more of the lovey-dovey nature. I'll be honest though, I must've read 100 and I rejected all but 8 as well. However, not because of MY feelings, but because of HIS. I simply don't want to make him uncomfortable.
My T is wonderful. He is warm and caring and treats me well. But there's one big difference between us though - he's a man of few words and I'm a talkaholic - with both words and emotions coming very easily to me. He is without a doubt, the STRONG SILENT TYPE, much akin to John Wayne or Clint Eastwood . In certain areas, he doesn't say much, but when he does, you know it's meant. I'm almost the opposite, I'm a chatterbox that will fully admit to there being times when I probably say too much.
I honestly believe that most men can be described as the STRONG SILENT TYPE. I think most men are very reserved about their feelings and tend to hold back. (Although, I have been with several men that within weeks of dating, have not held back and have told me they loved me. That's not to say that it's the kind of love that lasts a lifetime, but it's love all the same.) But obviously, not the White Hen guy, as he was even able to do it in front of 20 strangers!
All in all, I think women are more comfortable professing their love. Emotion comes easily, because it's in their nature. Perhaps it's the maternal instinct, but I also believe it's the way we are raised and society in general.
Boys and girls are raised slightly different. Although boys are loved, I don't think they are told it as often as girls. Most boys are taught from a very young age to suppress their emotion and 'be strong, like a man'. Girls are more encouraged to show emotion and provide comfort.
Last week during a conversation with T, I mentioned a quality in him I most admired. I stated the quality and then I said, "that's one of the things that made me fall in love with you."
2 seconds after it was out of my mouth, I regretted it. Don't get me wrong, I meant it wholeheartedly, but I don't think T is ready to hear that. So my regret is only that I verbalized it too quickly.
In the 5 plus months we've been together, we have found a very good comfort level. I'm still blissfully happy and I believe he is as well. We make plans for several months into the future and I see us continuing to grow as a couple.
We've been taking our relationship very slowly, and I've been careful in how I approach things with him. I'm trying to balance giving him space while still trying to convey how much he means to me, without actually saying too much. At the same time, I'm trying to accommodate my own feelings and I'll admit that there are times that I'm at a loss. On occasion, I've held back on saying or doing things that are natural for me because I don't want to upset the apple cart. It's been a difficult task.
I should make it clear that on the whole, we communicate exceptionally well. So far I think our differences balance each other out nicely . Which brings me to the fact that I know what he can and can't hear, specifically what he can handle hearing.
He cares about me, but that's about all he's ready to share verbally, which for right now is fine. Personally, I don't like the whole "I care about you", thing that many men throw out. I mean, I CARE about the guy that mows my lawn, so forgive me, but I think if I'm your girlfriend, I deserve a wee bit more than CARE, but that's just me. BUT, like I said, right now, knowing that he cares is enough. That isn't to say I will always settle for that, but for now it's cool.
My only obstacle is keeping my own feelings to myself. Luckily, the combination of pride and a fear of rejection keeps my mouth shut. Except of course for the other night, but I think that one was ok, because he pretty much ignored that I said it. Phewww.....
I honestly believe I'm pretty lucky though as T shows me affection rather than showering me with words. During those moments when he strokes my cheek, runs his fingers in my hair, or sighs contentedly when I'm laying with him, I don't need the words, because I feel it. I feel what he can't or won't say.
Of course, I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I want to hear the words. Everyone wants words. And whether those words are "You're beautiful", "I'm crazy about you", "I want you", "You make me happy", "I miss you", "I need you", "I love you", or even the lame "I CARE about you", we still all want to hear them every now and again.
My only hope is that someday soon, my fella will be ready to find the words and say them.
I'll be patient though. I can wait until he's ready.
And he doesn't even have to do it in front of the White Hen.
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