January 1, 2004
Some advice from the unengaged…
We see them all the time, the ads, billboards and commercials that say, “At Christmas time, give her the diamond she deserves”. You hear the stories, “There was a huge box, then a smaller one, then a smaller until finally there was just the ring box”.
OK…OK…I get it – it’s official, I understand that many, many people get engaged at Christmastime. Well, let me tell you, I’m not one of them. Which - just for the record – is ok.
Well, don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I don’t want to be engaged, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be this Christmas. Besides, I got an 80-hour TIVO from the love of my life, which in some ways is actually better than a ring. But I digress from the point of this essay…so let me continue.
This past Christmas season, no fewer than 22 different people have questioned why I’m not engaged. Family, friends, co-workers, and yes, even semi-strangers have asked me.
So here’s my patented answers, in no particular order - “I don’t know”; “I guess it’s just not time”; “I got TIVO instead”.
My fella and I have been dating 1 year and 4 months and in some circles that seems like a lot, but in others, it’s nothing.
I will admit that at our age, 35 & 38, it’s a long time. We, well actually I, don’t have the luxury anymore of coasting along without a clear understanding of where we’re going. I’m running out of time. For women, God gives you a certain amount of time to safely have children and although I know there are many, many women out there starting their families after 40, I don’t want to be one of them.
There isn’t a doubt in my mind that this is the man I want to spend forever with. There isn’t a doubt that when I have a baby, it’s his eyes and his smile that I want them to have. But it’s not entirely up to me. He has to want those things too. I'm fairly certain that he does and the timing is all we have to figure out. Well that, and where we're going to live (that's a tough one - isn't it?).
I’ve been fairly upfront with him [without setting or giving any ultimatums] and he knows the basic timeframe I’ve given our relationship and hurdles we must cross. He knows that I love him more than anything, but I’m not on the 5-year plan, I wish I could be, but there just isn’t time.
We’ve never set lines in the sand because we don’t need to. Our relationship has been great since the start and we are really good at making it up as we go along. Every time I look at him, I know I'm looking at my future. We love each other and we get closer everyday. So it'll happen - we just can't push it.
So back to the questions; I know people mean well, but honestly have you ever thought how the people you’re asking would feel?
It always starts innocently enough and I know that people aren’t trying to be insensitive, but if I’m to be honest, it’s like a knife in my heart each time it’s said. It’s one thing to ask, it’s another to question why you’re not.
"Well what’s wrong with him?”
“Have you done something to put him off?”
"YOU must be sending him a message that says you don’t want to.”
“YOU must not be conveying to him that it’s important to you”.
“What, is he just going to think he can date you for forever? You know K - the milk thing really is true”.
Again, for the record – there is NOTHING wrong with him. I don’t think I’ve done anything to put him off. I AM NOT sending him messages and he knows, in no uncertain terms, that I want to marry him and have children with him. And NO, I don’t think he thinks he can date me forever. The thought might be appealing to him for a fleeting second, but I don’t think that’s what he wants either. Although I think if there were a marriage condition that let him keep his house and only live with me 5 days a week, he just might sign up for that immediately! (only kidding T!).
Anyway, those questions are bad enough, but I’m going to tell you what the worst thing of all is. It’s the look of pity they give me when they hear that we’re not.
“Oh, he’ll come around, just hang in there. I’m sure he’ll marry you one day”.
“Just be patient, sometimes all men need is a kick in the pants”.
“You should leave him. Yea, leave him so he can see what he’s missing, then he’ll marry you for sure”.
Doesn’t anyone see the way it should be?
It shouldn’t be because it’s time, or because I’ve left him. It shouldn’t be because he’s settling or because Kay Jeweler and/or every other person I know is telling him to buy me a ring.
It should be because he wants to. Because he loves me and he wants to be with me forever. It should be because he realizes that although the trust that comes with love can sometimes be scary and that marriage is hard work, he knows that as long as we face it together, we’ll be fine. Once that happens, everything else will fall into place. We'll work on the adjustment that comes with such big life changes and conquer those big decisions about where we should live.
And I know he knows that I won’t settle for anything less than that. And he knows I will never press him on anything until he's ready.
So here’s some advice from a 35 year old, UNENGAGED woman in a committed relationship at Christmas.
Don’t ask.
If it happens, you’ll find out. Believe me, you’ll find out. I’ll be shouting it from the rooftops. Ads will be placed. Planes will be flying about Chicago with banners trailing behind them and my dogs will be wearing bandana’s with the good news. And my mother will be coordinating all the prayer groups she's had in place to now concentrate solely on more grandchildren, rather than finally marrying me off .
But for God’s sake PLEASE stop talking about it, even amongst yourselves.
Just like the Cub’s in the World Series, you friggin people are jinxing me.
Oh, and if he asks...princess cut diamond, white gold or platinum wide band - size 9. Oh, who am I kidding? I'd settle for a cigar wrapper as long as it was him handing it out.
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