February 15, 2004
My friend B and I made a wager some weeks back. You see B was convinced that T would “pop the question” over Valentine’s Weekend. I said it wouldn’t happen.
So why was I sitting in the living room at 6:30 on Sunday morning February 15th a bit teary-eyed and unable to sleep? Well perhaps it’s because I’d just realized that I’d won $3.
But I must wonder if I am upset because he hasn’t asked me – or – because I know that today, tomorrow and for the rest of the week I’ll be doing nothing more than repeating over and over again that it didn’t happen.
If I thought Christmas was bad, Valentine’s Day has been even worse. B wasn’t the only person that thought it would happen this weekend. In the weeks leading up to it, so many people told me not to worry, that is was bound to happen. Well it didn’t and now those same people will look at me with pity in their eyes, smile pathetically and then use the next big day to tell me it’ll happen then. I swear to God, if one person says ‘maybe on Ash Wednesday’, I’m going to scream.
I’m tired of it. I don’t want to hear it anymore. It’s not that I believe them when they suggest it, but every time I hear it, I suppose a small part of me wants to believe it, wants to think maybe. Then when it doesn’t happen, that same small part of me feels another little piece of my heart bleed. I just can’t keep it up. The disappointment is humiliating.
As I’ve said before, T & I have talked and he knows exactly how I feel and what my timeline is. And damned if he isn’t going to push that envelope until the very last second. He says he loves me and that he wants a future with me. So what am I supposed to do? I don’t know what the holdup is, I cannot push him, nor do I want to and my stubborn pride won’t let me ask him what’s keeping him. Besides that, I don’t think I should have to. Call me old-fashioned, but I think that when it’s right, it’s right. And if you know it’s right, then nothing should keep you from making it happen.
So because the original timeline I've set for myself is very quickly approaching , I suppose that's when I'll have to ask myself some rather difficult and probing internal questions.
What I can say is that for the next few weeks, I’m going to be a bit of an ostrich. I’m burying my head in the sand because I don’t want to face all the questions. I don’t want to have to endure the hand pats, the shaking of the heads, the endless theorizing about why he just simply ‘isn’t ready’. So accept my apologies now if I don’t return phone calls or e-mails as I’ll be in my ‘loner’ mode.
Valentine’s day is just another day. It was a nice weekend and as always, we had a wonderful time together and a positive was that I didn’t start any fires this year. But this Valentine’s Day, more so this morning, just made me realize that I have a little more than a month to stay happy and in love and then I might have to make some major, life altering decisions, which completely terrifies me. I don’t want to have to think about those things, or worry about it, but I know that I do. I wish it was different, but it’s not.
So I’d like the next 6 weeks to not be about the fact that I’m not engaged. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it and for God’s sake, I don’t want to keep trying to explain it.
I’m simply going to take my $3, put it in my daily coffee change purse and put a brave smile on my face.
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