February 18, 2004
Some advice from the unengaged…Part 3 - Ultimatums aren't acceptable
I had written an essay on Sunday the 15th and had been mulling over posting it. In the 3 days though since it was written, I've gotten even more unsolicited advice about my predicament at being unengaged. So I decided to post it along with this one.
Have I mentioned that I don't need any more advice? Have I mentioned that each time someone says something to me about my relationship, it's chipping away at what little bit of self-esteem I had left? I simply cannot take anymore.
I know that I'm not engaged and I don't need to be reminded of it every friggin second, of every friggin day.
But now, this morning, I got the worst advice ever. A very well-meaning person phoned and asked if we'd gotten engaged over Valentine's Weekend. When I said we hadn't, they then told me that now my only option is to give him an ultimatum.
"Why do I have to give him an ultimatum?", I asked rather impatiently.
"Because he obviously needs a push in the right direction and without it, you'll wither away waiting for him to come to his senses."
Oh
my
God.
After I counted to 10 internally to stop myself from screaming, I calmly and simply said I don't believe in ultimatums.
"What? What do you mean you don't 'believe' in ultimatums?"
Well, it's very simple. Ultimatums are worthless. I firmly believe that if you reach a point in your relationship where you have to issue an ultimatum for whatever reason, then you're really not in a great relationship. If the two of you are so off-base on the same subject and you have to force something with an "OR ELSE" then perhaps you need to rethink the reasons you're in the relationship.
He knows my timeframe. As I've said many times, we’ve been doing so wonderful since we started, never setting limits on each other and taking things as they came. I’ve compromised a lot in this relationship. I’ve accepted things for what they are and never pushed him for anything more than he was ready for, even if it meant giving up some of what I wanted. But this one is different. This is something that I can’t compromise on. My future and how I see it simply cannot be put on hold forever.
So it's not an ultimatum, but after we're together a year and a half and if there isn't an engagement forthcoming, there won't be an ultimatum issued. There will simply be the two of us making a decision on what our future will be. He has to think about what he wants and I will have to decide exactly what it is I want and how much longer I'll be willing to wait for it - if at all. It might be a joyous conclusion or it might have an extremely difficult and painful outcome. But whatever it is, I promise it won't be either of us forcing our hands at what we want.
There is no winning in forcing. There is no celebration in pushing someone into something they obviously don't want. In my book, that is considered bullying. And I will not be a bully for love.
Every single day, at least someone mentions something to me about not being engaged yet. Some days it's 5 people. Several weeks ago, someone was basically 'telling' him that he should propose on Valentine's Day. Afterwards I took her aside and asked her to please stop.
I can understand that people mean well. They only want to see both of us happy and in a secure future. I've had to ask several people very close to me to not say anything around him. My friend B jokingly said that he wants to put the screws to him under the hot light and find out what's going on in his head.
So many people are telling him what to do and I honestly feel that by them doing that - it's pushing him further away. He does NOT like to be TOLD what to do. He does what he wants - WHEN he wants it.
I don't know what he encounters on a daily basis, but I know what I'm going thru. I don't talk to him about it because this is my thing. This is such a delicate issue and no matter how much you try to explain that you're not pushing the subject, just by discussing it, you are. So I have to be the one that has to deal with my own feelings and issues and how I react to the questions and probing.
The pressure that I'm feeling is already unbearable. I feel like I constantly have to defend our relationship as well as my own will and reasons for being in it and at the same time prove that we do love each other. Its simply not fair. It should NOT be scrutinized this much.
As I said in Part 2 - I need to be able to concentrate on being happy and still in love for the next 6 weeks. After that, I'll worry about what I'm going to do.
Besides that - more important things are brewing. The Cubs just signed Maddux, ticket prices are crazy and the possibility exists that we might not be able to see as many games as we're used to seeing. Top that with this is the year that we're going all the way. Now that's something to worry about.
Possible marriage? Piece of cake.
Cubs in the World Series in 2004? Oy...my ulcers.
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