September 9, 2002
Thinking
about what could be….
I think there are many times in ones life where you are positive of the direction you should head. Along those same lines, there are just as many times that you can’t figure out what to do.
Where does good judgment come from? Where do you find the right answers? How do you know if you’re doing the right thing or making the right choice?
I’m a go ahead – straightforward person. I typically jump into situations and make the best of them. I’ve been very fortunate that the majority of the time, things work out for me.
I’m in a new situation now that I’m wavering on. I simply cannot figure out what side of the fence I’m on.
It appears that there’s someone I’m interested in. At least I think I’m interested in him. Maybe I’m not interested in him. But I think I am. No I'm sure I am. Actually, I just don’t know to what extent.
I’ve know him for quite awhile. We’re friends. I’d say fairly good friends. We have shared many good times amongst a group of our friends and have always been fond of each other.
Several months ago, at a gathering, we flirted. It was very subtle flirting and nothing happened, but I believe that’s perhaps when a spark was ignited.
Then several weeks ago, during a late night out, we ended up walking arm and arm and eventually doing a ‘standing spoon’ in the middle of a Wrigleyville Pizza joint. Again, nothing major happened and although people close to me commented that they thought it was a good match, I dismissed it as nothing. I assured them it was simply the beer working overtime and that he'd never really be interested in me. I mean really, I'd known him for years and there was never even the slightest hint that he liked me. I will admit though, that the spark seemed to grow a wee bit more. I began to see him in a new light.
Then just a mere week or so ago, during another night out, we ended up sitting next to each other, arms, hands and legs touching. As the night grew to an end, we were perfecting a sitting ‘side by side spoon’. But yet again, it went no further than this mild flirtation and the fact that for whatever reason, in the last few weeks, we feel compelled to cuddle each other.
I’m confused. This is one of the nicest men I’ve ever met in my life. He’s funny as all hell, handsome, smart, sweeter than anything and a genuine “Nice Guy”.
I like him. He’s wonderful, and there isn’t much NOT to like.
So what’s wrong?
I don’t know. Well, actually I think I know and if I have to be honest, there’s a few reasons.
Since I’ve been on this diet and exercise kick, I get quite a bit of attention. People comment on how I look all the time now. Sometimes it’s nice and other times it pisses me off. I am exactly the same person, except a wee bit leaner.
One of the things I can’t shake is wondering if he only likes me now that I’ve shed 40 lbs. A person I know made an offhand comment and asked me why he has a sudden interest in cuddling with me now. As I mentioned in previous essays, something that scares me is that I’m going to be approached by shallow men. Men that are obviously only interested in me because of the way I look. Does he fall into that category?
But I honestly don't think he's like that. He is a typical guy and truth be told, I have on occasion seem him leer at perfect looking women. I know the kind of women he typically goes after. I realize I'm probably not his ideal type. I've still got a long way to go and I'm about as far from Supermodel pretty you can be, but because of our friendship, I cannot imagine him demeaning me that way. He's not that kind of man.
So I don't think that it's because I've lost a few pounds, I honestly think that for whatever reason, we both just gave a vib that said it was cool to flirt.
The second reason, and the one that’s freaking me out the most is that I think I’m just too scared of liking anyone.
I’m comfortable being alone right now. I have a great, full life. I enjoy my friends and my family and my activities. I don’t know if I have the energy to devote to a relationship and I don't know if I have the nerve to do it either. Along those lines, I also don’t want to be hurt again. Correction - I simply CANNOT be hurt again. My heart just can't take it. My track record of late has been horrendous and I can’t imagine getting involved with a friend and then having it end badly. Especially him. Out of all the group of our friends, he is the kindest, most sincere "great guy" that we have. He is a core part of our fun. There aren't enough adjectives to describe how truly great this guy is. So...if it ends badly, I lose that. I lose him as my friend. I'd probably lose the rest of them too, because once you go one way, it's always impossible to turn it around.
So what do I do? Do I take the chance and try for something to possibly happen – or do I just write it off completely?
I’m confused.
But there is something about him that makes me want to try. Something I see in him that’s telling me he might be worth the effort. Something that says take a chance, he's simply too nice not to take a shot. Something tells me that even if it doesn't work out - it'll still be ok. It's something about his eyes. They crinkle and smile when he laughs. It kinda reminds me of my Pops.
I’m scared because I’m feeling like I should just take the leap and choose that intimidating uncertain side of the fence. I just hope when I look up, he’s on the same side with me.