September 4, 2003
Is it 'It'?…
It’s been almost a year and for the last few weeks I’ve given it [our relationship] much thought.
I know that I love him.
I know that I want him.
I know that this is the man I want to have children with and grow old with.
What I don’t know is if I’m the girl for him.
In a year, shouldn’t you know?
I’ve put the question forth to many people, and although the answers vary, one thing doesn’t. It seems that the most common thread is that when you know, you know. That’s always how I’ve felt.
I’m certain that because this year anniversary of ours is coming up, I’ve let my mind wander and my subconscious take over. Rational thought doesn’t always come into play, rather leaving only emotional baggage to take its place.
Several weeks back, I brought up the fact that I needed to know where I stood with him. I needed to hear something, anything, which told me that he wanted to continue to be with me.
He said mostly the right things, but it was the things that were left unsaid that have confused me know more than ever.
In a year – shouldn’t you know where you stand without having to ask? Most importantly, shouldn’t you realize it if you love someone?
Those are the 2 questions that I have repeatedly asked myself over the last 3 weeks and they just won’t go away.
Last week we spent an unprecedented 5 days & nights in a row together. I thought it was awesome and it seemed as though he enjoyed it too.
So then why on Wednesday morning did I wake up, look in the mirror and say to my reflection, “Face it, he doesn’t love you. This is ridiculous, get out now – what the frig are you waiting for?”
I turned and ignored the reflection, shook my head and said, “What I have is awesome, don’t muck it up with all the emotional shit. It is what it is, accept it and hang on.” Then I go about my day.
Then suddenly, 2 days later, that reflection is there again. “He doesn’t love you. Stop kidding yourself. If he doesn’t know after a year, chances are he’ll never know. Stop getting in deeper and deeper. Stop giving so much. Stop. Stop. Stop.”
Then I turn and ignore that reflection, because we have a date planned for that night and maybe there’s the chance he’ll give me a sign that it’s more. Besides, he says he cares about me.
Then Friday comes and that bitch shows up again. This time she’s more insistent. “What the hell are you doing? Are you so afraid of being alone again that you’ll waste another year hoping that someday he’ll love you? How long are you willing to wait?”
I walk away from the mirror because my eyes are filled with tears. I take a deep breath. “You don’t understand. This is a man I love. It’s not that I’m scared of being alone, it’s that I’m scared of not being with him.”
He’s become something I count on, like my dansko clogs always being comfortable, or the way my dogs always dance around on my arrival home as if they haven’t seen me for years, rather than hours.
I want to be with him and I’m scared of not having him in my life.
During a conversation weeks ago with my coworkers and friends J, D & I, they asked me if we’ve said those important words yet. I said no, not yet and I said that he tells me he ‘cares’ about me and that he feels close to me. J snorted, “Well, what the heck does that mean?”
Exactly.
Yesterday, as I held my touchstone K’s baby girl and her sweet sleepy head rested against my shoulder, I was filled with a scared, sad feeling. It was an odd sensation that I’ll never have my own. Will I always be an Auntie and not a mommy?
Am I willing to waste more time on taking a chance with a man that doesn’t know after a year?
What happens if I spend more time with him and then he finally has the courage to tell me he doesn’t love me, never will and that it’s over? What are my chances then of finding love again with marriage and children in the picture?
This morning, I watched a stupid movie and when the boy told the girl he loved her, I started to cry. Why is it so easy for her? Why can’t John Corbett love me? Why can’t I have a big, fat, Irish Wedding?
Then the rational side of me comes out again. You know, the one that tries to stand up to the reflection. The one that says relax, it’s just a year. He’s the kind of man that needs time. He’s the kind of man that needs to be eased into change. He’s the kind of man can’t be told how to feel, or what to say.
It’s been a year and I’m scared.
I’m scared of ending it.
I’m scared of staying in it.
I’m scared of not knowing.
Last year we dove into the water and started swimming. I haven’t reached any piers yet and the buoys keep moving around on me. My arms are getting weary and I’m tired of always being the one to kick.
I need a relationship preserver.
I need that reflection to either shut up, or kick my ass but good.
I need something.
Please God, someone, anyone, tell me my fate. Tell me whether I should hang on for a could-be or end it before I drown.
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Post Script...
As what has become our relationship practice...days after I wrote this, but hadn't posted it yet, we talked and he finally gave me an "I love you". I write to get my own feelings out and don't always share my essays straightaway. This is like the 3rd time that after I write something for my own, he, without ever seeing it or knowing about it, does something that I need him to. Now he shouldn't be thought of as psychic, because usually after I write, I'm clearheaded enough to talk about it - which is what happened on this occasion.
But the good news is that he DOES love me, which is a start.
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