August 13, 2000

Telephones and other objects of terror…

 I have found one of the items that terrorize men the most – the telephone. 

After years of relationships, both platonic and physical, I have YET to encounter a man, who isn’t afraid of making a phone call when he says he will. 

The inability to accept this all too common flaw has hit me deeply, as well as the rest of the ‘sisterhood’ – aka my girlfriends. 

I cannot begin to describe the hours and hours of analyzing we have been involved in to come up with a practical reason that this fear exists amongst the weaker sex {aka MEN – which during the course of this article might be referred to as “The Spineless”}.  

I’ve boiled it down to a few major questions…

  1. WHAT is so scary about this small ringing object?
  2. WHY are they so willing to use the word in a sentence - “I’ll call you” – if they have no intention of actually completing said promise?
  3. WHERE did this fear come from?

I felt that if I could solve these 3 small questions in a reasonable and non-judgmental way, I might find true happiness and peace at last.  

  1. The actual object isn’t what scares them; it’s the functionality of the tool.  It communicates.  Communication is certainly not one of the “Spineless” strongest suits. 
  1. They are happy to use the word because it keeps the cowards from having to say:

a) They didn’t have a good time. However, they would love to have sex with you.

b) They think you’re too pushy and would rather ROT than be with you again.  However, they would love to have sex with you. 

c) They don’t like your cat and they think your taste in decorating is just like their mothers. However, they would love to have sex with you.

d) They really only see themselves marrying a woman who’s a size 4 with a 44DD breast size; has no living family and is independently wealthy. However, they would love to have sex with you.

e) They are spineless, gutless, stupid, petty men that are only interested in you if you are completely unavailable to them.  However, they would love to have sex with you.

f) They are completely afraid of being happy and would rather spend countless nights sitting on bar stools, complaining about their lives, being lonely, than choose to grow up and be with the one woman who could, if given the chance, make them happy.  However, they would love to have sex with you.

  1. This fear came from evolution.  Because I know God.  I believe in him.  I know that he would NOT approve of this pain that these gutless wonders inflict upon us women.  Therefore, I think that perhaps, just perhaps, we women - the better species - evolved from God and that “Spineless” men evolved from the apes.  That theory would certainly satisfy both the spiritual and the scientists.  So as you can see, I have also done a service to the universe by explaining this phenomenon.

With today’s technology one certainly knows what the next fear the “Spineless” will have.  The computer. 

“E-Mail you?  Uhm…sure…I’ll e-mail you tonight.” 

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