June 2002

Judgments? An unfair practice?

I think at some point, almost everyone judges another person or persons.  It's a normal everyday practice.  

I myself have made judgments against people and I'll admit - some of them have been harsh.  They are always based on my opinions and my beliefs and I never throw a judgment or opinion out that I can't back up.  If I get angry and express myself, I always come prepared with the reasons why.  If the person I'm expressing my opinion to, creates an open dialog, I am always willing to listen and keep an open mind.  Several times, people have called me on my judgments which have then caused me to contemplate their opinions.  There have been many times in my life that I've changed my mind based solely on the other person's argument.  

I've learned the hard way that judgments can be hurtful and can cause more problems than good. 

Sometime ago, someone made a judgment against me.  This person commented that they thought that I had a drinking problem and compared me to my sibling J - a raging alcoholic.  Of course, I was furious.  I do not - IN ANY WAY - have a drinking problem.  I am a normal, healthy social drinker that does not need alcohol to get thru a day.  I don't drink every day.  I don't drink to get drunk.  Do I enjoy a pint or two? Yes, by all means.  Have I been drunk? Yes, many times.  But that does not translate to a "drinking problem".   Having a sibling with such a disease, you learn all about it.  You learn all the warning signs and all the issues that come with such a problem.  In my whole life, I have NEVER missed work because of alcohol.  I have never been in a fight, or gotten angry or belligerent because I had too much to drink.  To my knowledge, I have never hurt anyone or anything because I'd been drinking.  I've certainly never threatened to kill anyone. 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people go to such extremes.  This person noted that since I still have parties where alcohol is consumed, and because I drink myself, I have a problem.  He cited 1 example from back when I was in my early 20's, where I simply became emotional because I had drunk a wee bit too much.  Did I sometimes push the envelope when I was much, much younger? Of course I did, most kids do.  But I'll also point out that this person also did the same things I did.  But it appears as if that's been conveniently erased from the mind.  I found it interesting that he couldn't site any recent examples, as there are none.  It is very rare that I even have 1 drink in front of him, as the few times we are together, alcohol is rarely served or consumed in great quantities.  There is actually 1 occasion in recent years that I can recall that I even drank in front of him, and he certainly didn't bring that up, because someone very close to him was in far worse shape than I was and I suppose he'd just as soon forget it.  But again, that appeared to be conveniently erased from his mind.  

During the course of my health battles recently, I completely gave up any form of drinking.  My doctors simply wanted to measure my stomach problems without alcohol intake.  I had no problem.  For over 5 months I didn't touch a drop.  It didn't faze me a bit.  Do you think if I had a drinking problem I could do that? I think not.  Alcoholism is a debilitating disease that controls you.  If you are a true alcoholic, you cannot just stop that easily.  

When it was discovered that alcohol wasn't to blame at all, I was allowed to drink again, which I did.  I will not apologize for enjoying a pint of good beer or a nice glass of wine. I am an adult.  I can control myself.  

My drinking wasn't the only thing that was said.  I was told that for many reasons, including my drinking, that I wasn't a positive influence for children.  No examples or specific reasons were given, just the statement.  

A judgment against me for drinking could be a visual one, perhaps he just doesn't know how I am.  But the judgment against my personality regarding how I am with and in front of children is nothing but an callous attack against me.  

Seeing how I am with children and the relationships I share with so many, that comment to me is simply unforgivable.  Of course, I felt compelled to ask several {like 15, as I was upset!} parents of children that I have relationships with if they felt this way, or had any reason to doubt my influence.  Every single one of them adamantly denounced the statement and were outraged that such a comment was ever even uttered.  

The sad thing is, this judgment that this person made of me, destroyed our relationship.  Simply suggesting that I had a drinking problem was bad enough, considering he and I had grown apart and he couldn't honestly say he knew me all that well.  But the fact that he compared me to my sibling J was insane.  The extremes that he chose to take with his dialog has forever clouded my opinion of him.  I no longer see this person in the same light, nor will I ever.   I am polite and cordial  when I see him, but that is the furthest length I will go.

It's tough when someone makes such a drastic statement without a basis for the comment. 

It's even tougher when that same person doesn't even care enough to make amends. 

Kfizgig Home Page    Once a Fizgig, always a Fizgig

It's said that women have a 6th sense and I couldn't agree more.  I typically go by my gut instincts - and I'm usually right.