June 25, 2002

Finding a good fit, but Where? When? or IF?

As I've mentioned several times, I'm looking for love.  But not only love, I want friendship, lust and humor as well.  It has to be the whole package in order for it to fit. 

My life has been full of mistakes, but it's also been full of great loves and incredible friendships. 

Now that I'm {gulp} almost 34, I recognize the many changes that I've had throughout the years.  I know what I want and what I don't want. 

The trouble that I'm having, as most of my single friends have, is that it's almost impossible to find what you want.  

The other day A and I were having a conversation about relationships. He told me that someone had once told him that "People are only alone because they want to be and they often put a 'vibe' out there that suggests that".   Of course, he doesn't COMPLETELY agree with that, but he said he does see some truth in it.  I immediately disagreed with him. 

Then we talked about why I thought I was alone.  I told him I could sum it up in one word - Fat.  It doesn't matter if you're 15lbs or 50 lbs overweight, people, especially men, are superficial.  They only see one thing - and that's they way you look.  

I told him it doesn't matter that I'm fairly attractive [some would & have said even pretty].  It doesn't matter that I have a great personality and that I'm funny and smart.  It doesn't matter that I have a great job, a career, own my own home, and have an even-keeled demeanor.  The bottom line is that I'm overweight.  

Of course, A disagreed.  "NO!", he exclaimed, "You're wrong".  I assured him I was right. 

Then I surprised myself.  I told A a secret that I'd only shared with my closest touchstones, L & J.  I felt comfortable telling him, because for whatever reason, I knew he'd understand.  I told him that my greatest fear was that if my theory is right {that men don't want me simply because I'm fat}, what's going to happen to me when I get fit [thin] and they still don't want me?  AND IF someone does become interested in me, how can I be sure that it's me, K - the person, that they love and want, as opposed to just another good body?

I can emphatically state that I'd NEVER date anyone that knew me when I was fat, but only asked me out when I was thin. That'll never happen.  I'm the same person, just a wee bit smaller. 

To be honest, I don't know if I'm ready to even give somebody the chance.  I'm secure enough in myself to be alone. In the immortal words of John Hughes "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons, then with someone for the wrong ones." 

I'm not scared of being alone anymore.  I think with age, comes wisdom and a certain sense of calm.  When I was younger, I used to think I HAD to have a husband and baby before I was 30.  Well, with the passing of the 30th, 31st, 32nd and 33rd birthdays - each year it gets easier.  I no longer think that.  I know I'll have a child, either with or without a man, because I want one.  I realize that it's always better if you have a partner to share it with, but I'm not going to give up my dream of having a baby, simply because I can't find a man.  New 'drop dead date' age is 37 and then I go get 'Turkey Basted'. 

So maybe A is right.  Maybe I do put a vibe out there.  Maybe by being both happy and secure enough in myself, I'm inadvertently sending messages that I don't need or want anyone. 

But the truth is that I want to be a "Smug Married", as Bridget Jones would say.  I want to experience the thrill of finding my life partner.  I want to have a small, quaint, candlelight ceremony where I can look into his eyes and smile, knowing that I'm about to become his wife.  I want to be able to introduce someone as my husband.  I want to have a child with someone I love, so that I can tell him that the baby has his nose, or eyes.  But mostly, I just want to have someone to grow old with and share everything life has to offer. 

Will it happen? I'm not sure, but I do know that I'm not going to let it control me. 

As I've said a million times, my life is IMPROV.  Sometimes my scenes work and sometimes they don't.  

The one thing that I can count on though, is they're always fun. 

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