December 21, 2000
Scaring the fat right off…
One day at the beginning of this month, I noticed something wasn’t right. I was doing laundry (my once a quarter task) and climbing the stairs from the basement to my 2nd floor bedroom was leaving me breathless. That was very unusual. I climb several flights of stairs daily and I’ve never been out of breath before. Lifting the wet clothes in the basket left me weak. By the final load, I could barely make it. Then a few hours later I felt chest pains. Scary, pulsating chest pains that felt like someone had their hand on my heart and was pushing their entire weight into my breastbone. I attributed it to the fact that I’m completely out of shape and left it alone.
The next day the pains intensified, however this time there was no physical activity prompting them so I got scared and phoned the doctor. I was told to immediately come it to her office.
After I arrived and sat down, I picked up a magazine. With my luck there were no Entertainment Weeklies, Vanity Fair’s or even a Newsweek to help me through my wait; all that was there was a Medical Journal. Surprise, surprise, the first article I come across is “Women and Heart Disease – The Silent Killer”.
It said that 80% of woman have heart disease and don’t know it. Some symptoms of a pending heart attack can be as simple as shortness of breath, jaw pain and extreme fatigue. Holy shit!! I have had all 3!! As I continued to read on it also said that overweight women were at risk especially if heart disease ran in their family’s history. I was doomed. I realized at that moment they were going to tell me I was going to die.
They called my name. The nurse came in and took my blood pressure. It was very high. Of course it was high – I had heart disease and was going to be dead at 32, how could it NOT be high?
My doctor came and the examination began. She listened to my lungs & heart in EVERY possible position. Then she listened again. She asked several questions – ending with:
How long have you been out of breath?
Since 2 days ago.
Really? Just for 2 days? Think about it…
Well, actually for the past few weeks I have noticed that I have been having more trouble breathing. I guess I didn’t really think about it.
Well there are two things that I’m concerned about – one is a lung embolism, which is a blood clot that has traveled to your lungs and is creating pressure. The second is your heart. We have to make sure there are no irregularities. However, if you want my honest opinion, I have a feeling that this is just your asthma taking a turn for the worse, but I want to be sure. Since you’re leaving in 3 days for vacation, here’s what I suggest. Call your office and tell them you can’t go back to work. Then go downstairs and take a few tests for me. That way we can be sure that all is well before you leave for foreign land.
Wow!! Earlier this morning it had seemed simple enough. I went to the doctor because I was having trouble breathing. Now I was being admitted to the hospital as an outpatient for a lung scan; chest x-ray and EKG. I walked over to the hospital a nervous wreck.
I took each of the tests, gaining confidence as each of the technicians told me I probably had nothing to worry about.
As I sat in the waiting room my doctor phoned. She said the results for the chest x-ray and lung scan was clear, but she hadn’t gotten the EKG back yet. I told her that the technician had told me it was normal. She told me to go home for the night and start on the new asthma medicine then and call her the following day.
Later that night my phone rang. It was the doctor. She told me that the EKG had NOT come back normal; in fact it came back very abnormal and she wanted me to go back to her office so that her nurse could do another EKG to see if the results were comparable. She was scheduled to be off that day, but she’d have another doctor at her office see me after the test.
The next morning I was back there being hooked up to a 12 lead EKG. This time the EKG came back and showed even more abnormalities. An associate of my doctors came in and asked me a million questions. He examined me and then looked very serious. He showed me the EKG and pointed out a line to me. He said the line was consistent with that of someone that has had a heart attack. Since EKG’s are not always conclusive and he and my doctor really didn’t think I’d had a heart attack, they had to be sure. They scheduled an Echocardiogram (ultrasound of the heart) and a special blood test for later that afternoon at the hospital. They said depending on the outcome of the tests - I might have to be admitted to the hospital.
I had to drive back to work. I had payroll to call in and month-end financials to prepare. I sat in my car and sobbed. A heart attack? I’m 32! Outside of allergies, asthma and the normal colds and sinus infections – I’m never sick. I’ve never even had a cavity! How can someone that’s never even had a cavity have a heart attack? It’s just not normal!! I immediately called my mom. I needed her with me for these tests in case I got admitted to the hospital. After that I called my touchstones - voicemail for JMS and LR. Thank God KB was at home. She talked me through the ride back to work. She assured me that I’d be fine, this was just preliminary testing that was necessary to rule out the bad! She said no matter what – I had people behind me. After I hung up, I cried some more. I prayed that I would be OK. I asked, no begged, God to let me live and be healthy. I told him that I wasn’t ready to be sick. People counted on me, they needed me and I couldn’t let them down. There were too many things I was responsible for. Besides which, I wanted to a normal life - find my dream man and get married and have babies. I wanted to see my nephews and nieces grow old, go to college and have babies of their own. I needed more time.
My mother came to my office and drove back to the hospital with me. In the meantime, my favorite aunt (AK) and uncle (UA) heard and drove to the hospital for moral support for mom and me as well.
My family deals with most problems with grace and humor. After I had the blood test, as we sat in the waiting room for the echo, my uncle and I exchanged joke after joke. As he’s battling health issues as well, we decided we could set up a special wing in the hospital for our family. We joked about double funerals and the fact that my friends would be annoyed that I had died seeing as I wouldn’t be able to cater the event. Who would make the Seafood Salad, Egg Dip or Crab Rangoon’s? Although my mother and aunt smiled, I could see the jokes were bothering them. We curbed our dark humor.
A very attractive man called my name. I turned to UA and said, “God is totally laughing at me. He even sent a hottie to administer the test to determine my premature death. I finally see a man I’m attracted to and I’ll probably die out a heart attack before I ever get to see him naked.”
The test itself was weird. I had to take off my sweater and bra and he covered me with a towel. Then he spread some jelly over my left boob and started maneuvering the probe over and around my heart. If the fear of a premature death wasn’t looming in my brain I would have been very turned on. It was kind of funny though because he was very clinical. “This jelly will be cold, but it’ll warm up with your body heat.” “I’m going to have to lift your breast now and press very hard on the underside”. “I’m going to have to brush past your nipple now in order to make the pass.” Clinical dirty talk can be very erotic. The test was over in about 40 minutes. I walked back out to the waiting room and told my family I needed a smoke.
2 hours and 42 minutes later my doctor called. The blood test came back negative and the echo came back perfect, with no abnormalities. It was obviously my asthma worsening, which is not great - but not life threatening. I was cleared for my vacation and told to watch my drinking, take all my medicine and come back the minute I returned from vacation.
No heart disease. No abnormalities. No premature death.
God heard me.
But this experience has scared me. I can no longer assume that just because I’ve never had a cavity I’ll live forever.
That article I read the first day changed me.
I HAVE to lose weight. I HAVE to get in shape. I HAVE to stop working 12 hour days. I HAVE to take better care of myself.
So I’m starting. Forget new years resolutions, this is a life resolution. I realize the changes won't take place overnight, but at least I'm going to make an effort.
I’m going to give myself a chance at realizing my dreams. I owe it to God for listening.