November 17, 2000
Road Rage and other natural daily occurrences…
I am one of those people that newsmagazines refer to as a potential killer - I have “Road Rage”. Because of the location where I work and the area in which I live, I have a strange commute. I start very early – so on my way to work – it takes me roughly 35 minutes. However, on the way home it’s usually 1 hour and 20 minutes.
No matter the time of day, no matter the street I’m on, stupid, idiotic, mindless buffoons that can’t drive worth a shit constantly provoke me. They taunt me with their inadequacies as drivers and enrage me to the point of screaming. I have been known to, on occasion, scream at the top of my lungs while driving. It’s very therapeutic, but to be honest, does not diminish my rage in the least. It simply releases some pent up hostility momentarily until I am able to pull up next to them and scream, “Fuck you, you stupid idiot mindless buffoon”. I’m kidding - I don’t really do that, but I want to.
Reasons why I might be provoked:
Slow
Turning/Wide Turning:
Why do some drivers feel that they have to take a right hand turn while idling? Did they not learn in driver’s education that in order for the car to move you must use the gas? Also, why do some drivers need to make those right hand turns from the left lane? Does the curb terrify them that much? Or is it the mailbox or newspaper stand? I know, it’s the fact that they’re idiots that can’t judge distance even if their cars were equipped with a friggen ruler.
Driving
the speed limit:
If there is no traffic – why do some drivers feel the need to go at or below the speed limit? I’m not suggesting you drive 65 down Addison – but a constant 40 would be nice.
Bad
Passer:
If you’re going to pass – be prepared to GO! Nothing irritates me more than drivers that pass me up, only to go slow. What is that about? I actually know what they’re thinking, “Hey, I better get in front of this driver that obviously knows how to drive and I’ll go really slow – JUST to piss her off. Why should all these people get to where they need to be, I have nothing important to do other than drive around, I mean after all, I’m just in my car for leisure…”
Slouching:
Why is it that young men feel the need to slouch in the drivers seat? They can barely see over the steering wheel to begin with and then they’re going to slouch down even further? Do they think this makes them look cool? Honestly. It simply makes them look 12. The only thing good about slouching is that we’re not forced to look at their entire head of greasy hair. Lucky us, we only get the top.
Smooching:
Again, usually done by young men. Do I need to see you stick your tongue down your scary little girlfriend’s ‘with too much makeup on’ throat? Do you think that just because you are finally able to achieve an erection – I should be forced to miss a light? Shaaa, right.
I find it humorous that whenever I mention these obvious driving flaws to anyone, they all agree that that “It’s horrible, terrible – I HATE that too”. Well I have one question – if we all hate it so much – and agree that to drive that way is ridiculous – then who’s doing the bad driving? Everyone I know says it someone else – NOT THEM.
Without trying to be too politically incorrect I can give you one demographic that should NOT be allowed to drive – The Blue-Hairs! You know who I mean. They might be your grandparents – or even your parents – aunts, uncles, neighbors – ANYONE that has too much time on their hand and remembers when cars were simply for pleasure- Sunday driving – if you will. They are afraid of driving and are the reason so many of us have road rage. I think that after the age of 65 you should be TESTED every year in DRIVING conditions. Someone from the DMV should take them out, IN RUSH HOUR, and see how they do. If they hesitate, they get their licenses revoked.
Actually that rule should apply to all drivers – anyone between 25 and 65 should be tested 4 years; 16-21 and over 65 should be every year; 22-25 should be every two years.
Another rule that should apply to everyone – if you are too short to see over the steering wheel, you must use a booster seat. I believe they are available rather cheaply at your neighborhood K-Mart.
Things
I’ve done and I’m somewhat ashamed of (but only because I’m scared of
being shot):
Pulled up next to a sloucher and screamed “Sit up or I’ll call your mom”.
Pulled up next to a “Bad Passer” and yelled “Who the frig taught you to drive you moron?”
Purposely tailgated someone that was a “Bad Passer”; cut him off and pulled in front. Then I drove 3 miles an hour, applying my brakes and stopping every 10 feet or so.
Things I HAVEN’T done, but someone I know actually did and I WISH I did…
Pulled up next to a car that wouldn’t let him merge into the lane for well over 2 miles.
[Friend…Motioning to the idiot driver to roll window down…]
Excuse me, could you tell me if my blinker is working properly?
[Idiot Driver…looking stupid]
What?
[Friend…smiling]
I said, could you tell me if my blinker is working?
[Idiot Driver…smiling, understanding now…]
Uhmmm, sure, pull ahead.
{Friend pulls ahead, while driver pulls up next to him a few moments later}
[Idiot Driver…smiling again]
There doesn’t seem to be any problem. It works just fine.
[Friend…smiling]
Is that so? Well, then why the F*&^ wouldn’t you let us in you stupid a**hole?
I wish I could have done something like that. That was priceless. I tell everyone about that. Kudo's on that "C".
So until there are no longer any idiot drivers out there on the road, fear my road rage. My big-ass SUV drives like a tank and I’m a bitchy big-ass chick.