September 2000

Mindless advice for the College-Bound….

So my favorite little girl of all time is all grown up – S. started college last month.  Without a care, without a glance backwards – she marched off to live amongst the corn.  Never mind that BOTH her family and I are mourning her departure – do you think she cares?? NOOOO!!! She wants a life of her own! How dare she?  Of course I kid…She should live her own life.  As long as she checks with me first.

My relationship started with this ‘young’ cool chick the day she came home from the hospital.  Her dad (the cutie in the neighborhood) was walking around outside of their house.  As I held her and looked at her I knew we’d always be connected.  She was the 1st little baby I ever babysat for. 

I watched her grow up.  Her 1st tooth, 1st step, 1st word - every school play, every major event in her life, I was there.  Even long after she needed a babysitter, I was still around.  When she was 16, I took her driving.  She did remarkably well and I only got scared once. And no matter what she says, she WAS too close to the parked cars. 

When I was 16, I was sure she’d be a flower girl in my wedding.  When I was 25, we upped it to a Junior Bridesmaid.   Now that I’m in my 30’s I just pray that she won’t get married before me!

It seems as though we won’t ever be rid of each other.

So the night before she left for school, she stopped by while I was having a party.  My friends and I promptly terrified her mother with tales of what she’d be doing.  Later it occurred to me that I should write down some good advice for her. 

ROOMMATES….

You roommate might show signs of weirdness after the 1st month.  Listed below are things to watch out for.

  1. If she wants to brush your hair and call you kitty, ask to move. 

  2. If she starts speaking in foreign tongue and begins eating only popcorn flavored with chocolate, ask to move. 

  3. If she sleeps in feety pajama’s and walks around with beanie babies in her knapsack, ask to move.

  4. If she talks in a low husky voice on the phone each night, she’s probably a sex operator, ask to move.

  5. Show her my essay The Code.  If she says she doesn’t agree, spit in her Ramón Noodles, punch her in the face, then ask to move.

  6. If she asks to use your computer and you suddenly see porn sites popping up on your ‘cookie’ list, check them out first - email them to me - then ask to move.

  7. If she begins to cuddle her favorite stuffed bear a little too closely or if you notice her writhing up against it, ask to move.  Or, ask to borrow it. Depends on how close you are and how cute the bear is.

Boys…

Luckily you have a nice, smart, adorable boyfriend.  Keep him!! We’ve already run the police check on him and so far he’s turned out ok {There was that scary incident junior year, but we forgave him}.  Besides, all the hit-men already have his picture on file.  It’ll be much easier on us if we don’t have to keep updating them with new boys.

However, these are still things to keep in mind when dealing with the stupid sex.

  1. They ALWAYS want to sleep with you.  NO matter what they say! When you hear " I just want to be friends” – that means “until I can get into your pants”.  

  2. They lie out of control . See #1.  It is impossible for them to tell you the truth. Trust me, I’m older and I’ve met most of their older brothers, uncles or cousins.  They start young and teach each other.

  3. They will offer you a beer and ply you with compliments.  “You’re pretty, you’re smart, you’re funny”.  Never mind the fact that you are pretty, smart & funny, they still only have one thing on their mind.  See # 1.   Don’t worry, drink their beer.  Then show them how smart you are - go home with your girlfriends. 

  4. Never date a frat boy.  They like to be spanked.  I know this from experience.  And you’re too young to do that - wait until you’re 23 at least.  OR better yet get married - you’ll enjoy beating him them.

  5. They never just want to lay with you and hold you.  Beware the snake! It has powers we cannot understand.  If it gets too close, think "Riki Tiki Tavi" and bite it off!  But just once - don't linger - they might like that!!

  6. When they say they just want to see how the whole “bra-thing” works – it’s a trick.  They know.  They have mothers and cable.

  7. The only safe sex is NO sex! {Believe me, sadly I know.  No pregnancy scares here!!} You could always date gay men.  They’re actually much better.  And they love to shop.

Misc….

  1. Keggar parties are fun.  Until the morning.  That’s when you look at your white tee-shirt and see that it’s orange and gold and pink and every color of everything you ate the night before.  Suddenly it’s not so fun.

  2. Pizza is good. Until you eat it every day, every week and your ass begins to look like one.

  3. Quarter Beers nights can be fun.  Until you realize you just drank $20 worth.  Also see #1. 

  4. College fight songs only sound good when you’re drunk.  Do not attempt to sing while sober.  The cows, pigs and dogs will die. The corn will also wilt.

  5. College radio sucks.  Alternative music will never carry on in real life.  That’s why they only play it on the “College” radio. 

  6. Dance now.  When you’re my age it’s just not accepted, it’s foolish.  Except at weddings or block parties.  Then it’s just silly fun.

  7. Cold, hard, tile next to the toilets are NOT fun places to sleep.  They’re simply practical.  Bring a comforter with you.

  8. Photo-Marts will not develop nudie shots.  NO matter how cute the boys are.

So S. just be careful out there amongst the corn.  Remember “Children of the Corn”?  Anything is possible.   Just stay away from boys named Malachy and you should be fine.   Oh and if someone offers you corn flavored beer - say "No thank you"  and move along.  Those crazy farmers will do anything to city girls!  

Just remember how much I love you and keep in mind I should be the one to call for bail money. 

It’ll destroy mom and I can keep a secret.

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