Sibling
Lost Update….
February 23, 2002
So
many have asked for an update on my sibling lost.
In
the several years since I wrote that essay (almost 6); I’m sorry to say that
he hasn’t changed, rather as expected with this “disease”, he’s gotten
worse.
I
love to see comments written by people about my essays.
When it comes to my sibling lost, I’d have to say most of the comments
are good, however, some people are deeply offended by some of what I’ve
written. The majority of the anger
rests in my commenting that he’s dead. Certain
people feel that I should forgive him and move on.
Over
the years, I’ve tried. There have
been many instances when I’ve helped him out of jams, even lending him money
because he promises to change.
During
the holidays in late 1999, he came for Christmas Dinner and somehow never left
our house. He came and went as he
pleased but for the most part, stayed in the basement and left us alone.
In
October of 2000, his on-again, off-again girlfriend had their baby. In typical J
fashion, he chose at that moment to deny his responsibilities and chose not to
support either her or the baby. We,
his family, don’t feel that way. E
and Baby S are part of our lives, whether J wants to be or not. Obviously, they’re off now – hopefully this time for
good, as she’s such a good person and deserves better.
Then
came the final blow. In February of
2001 he threatened my life. He came
home stumbling drunk with other drunk people in tow. They were loud, smoking,
stuttering and falling down drunk. I told them to leave or I’d phone the
police. He told me to get away from him or he’d put a bullet in my
head. Now this isn’t only the
rambling of a drunk, because later, when almost sober, he told someone else very
close to me that he was ‘this close’ to actually doing it. He actually was in a neighborhood bar after that bragging about it.
Uhmmm,
yea – I’d say he got worse.
As
I’ve said, for many years after I wrote that 1st essay, I continued
to tolerate him simply because of my mother.
I was never lovey-dovey with him, but as long as he was sober in my
presence I was polite and tolerated him.
So,
here I am again. Back to the
heartless bitch others see me as.
Of
course after the threats he apologized, telling me I should know he’d never do
me harm, it was just idle talk. I
can’t forgive that. Idle drunk
talk or not, he threatened to kill me. I
know he has had weapons in the past and I’m sure if given the right
opportunity, he wouldn’t hesitate at all to eliminate me.
I
told my mom that I’d move out of our house unless she kicked him out for good. She told him to leave and he refused. He basically told her he had nowhere else to go and needed
time. She agreed but told him he
could not enter the main portion of the house as long as I was in there.
We changed all the locks, but it still wasn’t enough for me.
I
wasn’t about to give him time. I
knew for my own safety, I needed to be as far away from him as possible.
I began looking for a house. I
told my mom that although I loved her and wanted to be close to her, I just
couldn’t and wouldn’t live my life in fear.
I would not be a prisoner to his eruptive, abusive and offensive
alcoholism. He is not only a threat
to my safety and the safety of our home, but also to himself.
He continues to carry weapons and being drunk all the time is merely a
disaster waiting to happen.
I
knew the only way to rid ourselves of him was to sell the family home.
As long as she had that house, he’d continue to manipulate her and tug
at heartstrings. In time we found a
perfect house, a 3-flat that my mother, my sister and I could live in.
There would be no room for J and he would NEVER be welcome to stay
there. With a heavy heart she
agreed. She is finally realizing
that by helping him, she is merely hurting him by enabling him to continue his
lifestyle.
The
house was put up for sale, I moved out in June and finally J moved out last
September. My mom moved into the
new building in October.
It
seems he’s now living with another woman {a drinker just like him} and mom
doesn’t hear from him that often. This
woman has plenty of money and she’s letting him do as he pleases, drinking all
he wants and apparently {from what we’ve heard} joining him.
He’s chosen to use this as another excuse to blame others for his
problems. He tells all that want to
hear how I forced my mother into kicking him out. How I am trying to make him homeless. How I am to blame for all that has happened to him.
He
hasn’t seen his children in months and months, hasn’t supported S at all and
R wants nothing to do with him. Of
course, he blames me for that too, saying that I am corrupting R with negative
thoughts about him.
I
am saddened and disgusted that my life has turned to this.
It is repulsive to think that the only way I can keep my brother away
from harming me, my pets and my house is to turn to locks, alarms and the
Chicago Police Department. It is
truly a sad day when you know that the only thing you want from a sibling is to
have him disappear from your life for good.
I
posed the question to my family “If this were a person any of us were involved
with, wouldn’t you immediately tell us to stay away”?
Isn’t it a shame that simply because he’s family, everyone feels
compelled to keep him around? I
have never asked or expected my family to take sides. As I’ve also maintained, they need to come to their own
conclusions. My mother and my
sister were worried and concerned enough about me to stand by my side through
all this. All of my friends and all of my family, with the exception of 2, feel
that I’ve handled this correctly.
There
is no reasoning with him, as he feels he’s doing nothing wrong.
He is a sick, sick man and he needs help. He does not live in the same reality that the rest of the
world lives in.
I
wish I could blink and make him normal, but I can’t.
I wish I could shake his demons out and make him see reality, but I
can’t.
All I can do is take care of myself and hope that he doesn’t come after me.