May 25, 2003
Sibling Lost - Status Quo, but the tranquility of forgiveness
So many people have asked about how the relationship with my brother is. The first essay I wrote about him was in 1998. The 2nd was in in 2002 but stemmed from experiences in 2001.
It's the middle of the year - 2003 now. Status Quo on his life - but I've changed.
I'm not as angry as I once was. I'm not as emotional and I'm not scared. I'm simply tired of being mad.
I still don't see him. I still don't talk to him. Our relationship is still fairly non-existent. We hear about each others lives through our mother. I do ask about him and hope he's well.
My mother is big on forgiveness. She's been asking me since day one to forgive him his sins, because he can't help it. I've said that I've done it one time too many.
But now is the time to do it again.
He is what he is.
I know he has a sickness. I realize that his demons control who he is.
Because of who I am, and how I relate to situations, I don't understand giving up control of any aspect of your life. But I'm not him and he's not me. He's not strong enough or willing to make changes.
So I can either continue to hate - or - I can choose to forgive and let the burdens of his actions lie only with him. I've simply got to let it go.
Anger takes a toil and is a far heavier emotion to deal with than anything. When you are angry, it engulfs you and is destructive.
Oftentimes, people assume because you're angry that you can't love. That's simply not true. Never once, in all the years of troubles, have I ever stopped loving him. I've stopped liking him and I've not allowed him to be part of my life, but I've always loved him and always will. I don't advertise that, because J is confused on the realities of emotions.
And just to be clear, I don't love him only because of our blood ties. I love him because of who he once was - the brother from my childhood that made me feel safe.
Of course, simply because I've forgiven him does NOT mean that all will be well and picture perfect. I still cannot let him be a part of my life while he continues to drink.
It also goes without saying that I still cannot accept the fact that he has neglected his responsibilities as a father. Although I have given it a lot of thought and I actually think that by him staying away from his children, he is doing them a far better service than by drifting in and out. I also think that maybe deep down inside he knows this too, which is why he stays away. Both R (almost 17 now) and S (almost 3) are doing fine. They have incredible mothers that have made up for anything they could have missed. We, as J's family, have tried to make up the rest.
Perhaps my reasons for forgiveness is selfish. Perhaps it's to simply ease the burden of such a heavy heart.
I'm scared for him. I'm afraid that because of his the choices he's made, his life is going to end tragically. I wish and hope that doesn't happen, but statistics point to it.
So here I am - the end of May in 2003. He's 43 and I'm almost 35.
I've been wavering for weeks now about calling him and asking to see him.
I suppose I just want him to know that I've forgiven him and that I do love him. And although I can't have a relationship with him unless he changes his ways, I want him to know that I don't want my anger to add anything more to the demons that lie within him.
I want him to know that even though I can never forget the pain he's caused, alongside that are the memories of the 'good' J. Those are the ones that I'll continue to try and push forward in my mind.
When the anger comes forward, I'll do my best to remember he doesn't have the strength to control his weaknesses. I'll try and remember to be patient and think of my mother and how much she adores him still, her firstborn son.
I'll try and think that if the situation were reversed, I'd want to be forgiven.
So it appears I've got to make a decision and then possibly a phone call & visit.
Wish me luck...after all...he is what he is.
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