July 14, 2001
Memories of the Pops…
Today was my father’s 74th birthday. Unfortunately, he died about 6 months before his 71st birthday so I haven’t been able to celebrate with him these past few years. However, just because he’s not around to blow out his own candles doesn’t mean we don’t celebrate for him.
I think about my pops almost every day. Sometimes it’s because I see something or someone that reminds me of him. Most of the time they are great, funny memories that always seem to make me smile. But it’s those times that I remember that I’m never going to see him again that I am overcome with sadness that tears at my heart.
Quite often I dream about him. The dreams are always very vivid and are more often than not simply us having conversations about what’s been happening in my life. I ask his advice, share some gossip and ask him questions about his life. The dreams usually end with me asking him if he’s really dead. He always says yes and then walks away. When I wake up, I feel strange, like I’ve actually seen him. There were a few times that I swear when I woke up I could smell his pipe tobacco.
On father’s day last month, I was in Dominick’s shopping for the family dinner I was preparing. I typically bypass the card section but my favorite Uncle was coming over and I hadn’t gotten him anything. I walked over and started reading cards. I quickly choose 2 funny ones for him and started to walk away. Then something caught my eye. It was a card in the shape of a Double Cherry Popsicle. There was nothing on the front other than the picture of the Popsicle and when you opened it, it simply said “Happy Father’s Day to a Great Pop”.
It was exactly the kind of card I would have bought for him, because it was a card just like my dad – simple, colorful and straight to the point.
I started to cry.
I cried because I couldn’t see him on this Father’s Day or any others.
I cried because I was making one of his favorites – sausage and peppers – and he couldn’t eat it.
I cried because I was reminded yet again that he wouldn’t be able to give me away at my wedding, or see me have my babies.
But mostly I cried because I’d never be able to see his eyes crinkle up when I made him laugh.
I bought the card. It’s on my desk. I see it and I say a spiritual “hi” to him all the time.
So today is his birthday and I’m celebrating for him. This morning I went to Dunkin Doughnuts and bought some peanut doughnuts. They were his most favorite. Then I rented 3 movies - Charles Bronson; Clint Eastwood and John Wayne. I watched all 3 and chuckled at all the parts I knew he would have commented on.
Before I went to bed I said a prayer. I asked God to whisper to him that his family still loves him. I wanted him to know that we were all thinking about him both on this day and on all other days. I wanted someone else to tell him how much he’s missed.
Because you see, I tell him all the time. I know he hears me. The spirit of my pops is around me all the time. He is truly a guardian angel smiling down upon me. However, in heaven, he does the same thing he did in real life. He shrugs and says “Sure you love me. Who wouldn’t?”