1999
Babs...The Funnies
Have
you ever been so annoyed by your mother that you felt as though the inside of
your head might explode? Because I
feel that almost daily, you can trust me when I say that no matter what she says
or does, your head will not explode.
Don’t get me wrong, the love I feel for my mother is immense. However, that does not prevent me from thinking that at time (many, many times), she’s straight off the nut farm.
During
my childhood I always knew my mother was different.
Not different bad, or different scary, just different.
She worried way too much; nagged way too much and she yelled.
Way too much!
Now,
in retrospect, and with the feeble mind of an adult, I realize that Mom just
always needed to be in control. Because
of how she grew up, and her relationships in life, she can’t function unless
she can be in charge of all situations. She’s
scared of the unknown and the possibility of forging into something she
doesn’t understand, wigs her out (for use of a better term)!
My
mother is a comic’s dream. This
woman inspires more stories than Stephan King.
My
mom had me when she was 35, which back in 68’ was old. I thought all moms in
the 70’s should look like Shirley Partridge or Carol Brady.
Not my mom. Babs was a woman
that had a streak of silver in her black bouffant hair, polyester pantsuits
(always with sleeveless shells – for the HOT Flashes) and diamond studded
cat’s eyeglasses. She was very
un-cool. Not that it mattered,
because I still loved her tremendously. It’s
just that’s where my comedic tendencies were born.
I learned at a very young age to find “the funny” in all situations,
especially your mom’s appearance and personality.
In
order to give you an accurate description, I must relay her eccentric qualities
in a more broken down format.
My
mother tends to act as though she is an expert on everything in the world. The
Carl Sagan of Chicago, The Einstein of the Block, The Eleanor Roosevelt of the
PTA. No matter what the subject, she is an authority on it.
She is one of the few people on earth to actually sound as if she knows
what she’s talking about, even when she doesn’t have the first clue.
I’ve watched her and I know her secret.
Because she is a very intelligent woman, she takes the part that she is
aware of and creates the rest. Then
she actually believes all the information she’s just made up.
It makes it so much easier to tell a story when you believe what you’re
saying is the truth. She’s never
gone to Medical School, yet she can name almost every disease and drug known to
mankind. Ask her about a bird and
she’ll tell you a hour-long synopsis of its origin and mating habits. She loves to share both her real and pretend knowledge.
Don’t get me wrong, a lot of what she says is actually true, but when
you hear the made up stuff, you really just laugh.
When you confront her with the misinformation, she acts very defensive
and says, “It’s true, it’s fine with me if you don’t believe me”.
Stuff
My
mother is the queen at saving. She
cannot throw anything away. She
should also get the Guinness World record for stacking things.
She can stack bills and papers 4 feet high without them falling.
It is a sight to behold.
A
few years back when we were cleaning out a closet of my parents, we found boxes
and bags filled with papers from 1972. Most
of it was unopened junk mail, yet when she saw that we were taking it to the
garbage can, she panicked and made us put it downstairs, so she could sort
through it. Did I mention it’s
been in boxes since 1972? It’s 1999 now!
Cleaning
My
mother has never been what you’d call a neat person.
In fact, she’s the exact opposite.
Clutter is her crutch and makes her feel comfortable.
Growing up, I can never remember having a totally clean house without
stacks of papers or stuff everywhere. However,
she’s clean, just not neat. The
kitchen table can have 5 stacks of things, but the stove must sparkle and the
dishes must be done. The floor must
be vacuumed, the tables dusted, but if all is stacked with magazines or papers,
that’s just fine.
Babs
believes that expiration dates mean nothing.
If sour cream has a ‘Do Not Sell’ date of March 1st and
it’s June 1st, she’ll tell you that as long as it hasn’t been
open, it’s fine. If mold is growing on bread, she’ll want you to cut around
it. “Don’t throw all of it
away, just the crust is bad”.
Our
refrigerator is a scientists dream. All
of my siblings and I all did science projects in grade school on mold, simply
because all we had to do was retrieve some items from the fridge the night
before.
She
simply will not let me throw out leftovers.
She claims she’ll ‘eat that for lunch tomorrow’.
Need I mention that that NEVER happens?
If
there’s one thing my mom can’t do it’s give a straight compliment.
I call them her “But’s”. For
example, if she likes my outfit on she’ll say, “That looks very pretty on
you. But are you
going to wear your hair like that?” If
I make potato salad, “These is very good, but there’s a bit
too much salt in it”. If we’re
shopping and I point out something I like, “Sure that’s cute, but
do you really need it?”
Famous
Sayings