August 1, 2002
Bones and Pain and Ouching...Oh My....The Ailing Muzzie....
It's hell to get old. Everyone says that. Everyone knows that. My poor Muzzie experiences it each day.
As she is an almost 69 year old woman, she is discovering that although she's doing everything she can to take care of herself, her body doesn't always want to cooperate.
Although compared to some, she's relatively healthy - she still has a list of ailments that would curl your toes. The worst is that she has been stricken with one of our family curses - rheumatoid arthritis.
My heart bleeds for her every time I see her get up and wince in pain. As is the plight of this disease, it strikes sometimes even when you're not attempting to do anything. Oftentimes she's simply sitting still and her hands or legs will cramp, and she'll be ready to cry out in pain.
In September of 2000 she underwent a hip replacement. Doctors told her eventually she'd need to do the other hip as well, but for then, just the worst would be fixed. After a very long involved process of rehabilitation - 12 weeks - she recovered fully, even having a tiny spring to her step.
In late March of 2001, an accident involving a 135 lb dog simply brushing past a not so steady woman, resulted in her having a left broken leg and a right broken ankle. This time the hospital stay was 3 weeks and about 6 weeks of wheelchair mobility while the legs healed.
Again, she recovered only to find herself trip over the threshold of the new house in July of 2001 and break her wrist in 4 places.
It's been a while since she's broken anything, but it seems as if the luck's just not there.
Her other hip is getting worse than ever, and the wrist just won't heal right. Add that to the fact that her poor body is shrinking (osteoporosis) and she's occasionally a bit unsteady, and it's not a happy time. On Monday she was diagnosed with having sacrilitis - a torn muscle in her lower back, attaching to her pelvic bone.
Needless to say - I worry about her constantly. I realize that my co-dependent nature doesn't always help things, but she's my Muzzie and I can't help myself. I phone her sometimes up to 5 times daily to check on her. To say this annoys her is a mild understatement. She tries to be nice but I know sometime she just wants to tell me to bug off - as she's fine.
She's very independent and doesn't want to ask for help, but she realizes that most times she does indeed need help to do certain tasks.
Imagine if you will, that normal things that you do now are limited. Simply walking to the store is out of the question. Carrying a bag of groceries causes you to be out of commission for a week. Pushing a vacuum is likened to being bent into a pretzel. Climb 2 flights of stairs? Impossible.
It's hell for her. She needs things done and wants things done, but she simply can't do them herself. So she has to rely on others. Luckily, she has many to help her, but it isn't always easy on the helpers. Helpers have their own things to do, so sometimes her things get pushed back.
I am ashamed to admit that sometimes I am selfish and concentrate entirely on my own tasks at hand. Many times I bitch and moan, feeling overburdened. Of course I feel guilty if I can't do something for her and try to do it, but sometimes it isn't always easy. The end result is though, that no matter how long it takes, I will do whatever it takes to help her.
Because I am ashamed of my behavior, I've been trying to put myself more in her shoes. I realize how difficult it is for her to have to ask, sometimes almost beg for help, so I'm trying to be more pleasant. I try and not sigh and roll my eyes when I realize she hasn't cleaned out her fridge, or put away her dishes. I've simply been going into her kitchen and doing it myself.
I wish they'd invent some sort of medicine that keeps her young and healthy, but I realize that's just wishful childish thinking.
I don't want her to get old - I don't want her to be in pain but mostly I don't want her to feel like a burden because she isn't.
But that's entirely up to me to make sure I don't treat her like that.
I'm going to do my best.